tinsnip:

ladyyatexel:

My surgeon came out and told my mom and brother on Tuesday that I’d be down and out for about two weeks. 

My brother: TWO WEEKS? Holy shit.

Surgeon: Well, consider this.  She and I just had a knife fight.  And I won.  Because she was asleep during it.  

My brother: Oh.  Yeah, okay, that’s fair.

Your surgeon sounds fucking hysterical.

valinorbound:

starlinginthesky:

lilyrose225writes:

riddlemehiddleston:

amber-and-ice:

timespaceprincess:

inksplotched:

terecita:

thatswhenyouseesparks:

Still my favorite story from the Lord of the Rings set: Viggo Mortensen bonded so much with the horse he rode in the movies that after filming was over he bought it from its owner. If that doesn’t warm your heart I don’t know what could.

don’t forget that he also bought arwen’s horse for her stunt rider when she couldn’t afford it awww

#also don’t forget that for the rohirrim they put a call out for locals #bring a horse show us you can ride it and get a part in the battle scenes #and one women went out roped a wild horse and rode for a few days to set #and got to be a rider of rohan

also sort of relevant viggo also bought the horse that costarred with him in the movie hidalgo and subsequently took the horse (tj) with him to the red carpet premier. 

Also most of the Riders of Rohan are actually women because when they put out that call mostly women showed up with their horses and the costume team just stuck beards on them.

if this isn’t the best post i don’t

So you’re saying the entire Rohan army could have killed the Witch-King of Angmar.

Witch King: No living man can kill me!

several thousand riders of Rohan: *rip their fake beards off*

Witch King: Oh fuck…

*screeches* We aRE NO MEN

mistressmira402:

i-am-a-fish:

doctor-basil-puntastic:

i-am-a-fish:

gentlemanstallion:

i-am-a-fish:

sharkbytes:

i-am-a-fish:

calibratedsongbirb:

i-am-a-fish:

mnuj:

i-am-a-fish:

petals-and-cinders:

i-am-a-fish:

gays, lend me your strength

I shall give you my soul, and you will be the most powerful gay to ever gay.

thank you so much.

lesbians, lend me your strength

I give you my heart, so you can have the power of all the lesbians and be even more gay than before

I am forever in your debt.

aces, lend me your strength

I give you my essence, so that why you possess the power of gay as well as having not just one, but many aces of power up your sleeve.

I owe you my life.

transgender and nonbinary folks, lend me your strength

i give you my tiddies because i dont fuckign want them

I could never thank you enough.

bi and pan peeps, lend me your strength

Gun

I am eternally grateful.

now, all remaining LGBT+ members, please collectively lend me your strength

You have our combined strengths and powers. Ascend as a God for there can no longer be forces against us. We are billions as one.

I truly thank you all, from the bottom of my heart thank you.

now,

I approve of this

theknightlyrealist:

screamingplum:

parks-and-rex:

marvelteas:

parks-and-rex:

swedishwarriorwoman:

nolanyx:

First look of Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth in the new “Men In Black” reboot

This is real?.. i thought it was a tumblr joke

aAaAHHHHH

thor 4 in an alternate universe where asgardians survived and took on new identities 🤔

ASFHJKKDXSSHJHZSDJJ

Thor and Valkry arrive on earth with Asgard. In exchange for settlement, they have to work for a branch of (new) SHIELD that helps settle new aliens

a fools guide to not wanting to die anymore

maramahan:

808lien:

colacharm:

wildlyannoyingdoofus:

colacharm:

by me, a fool who doesnt wanna die anymore 

  1. never make a suicide joke again. yes this includes “i wanna die” as a figure of speech. swear off of it. actually make an effort to change how you think about things.
  2. find something to compliment someone for at least 4 times a day. notice the little things about the world that make you happy, and use that to make other people happy.
  3. talk to people. initiate conversation as often as you possibly can. keep your mind busy and you wont have to worry anymore
  4. picture the bad intrusive thoughts in youe head as an edgy 13 year old and tell them to go be emo somewhere else
  5. if someone makes you feel bad most of the time, stop talking to them. making yourself hang out with people who drain you is self harm. stop it.

… 8|

That’s some pretty good advice. I don’t know what’s left of my humor after ‘guess I’ll just die’ jokes but it’s worth a shot.

Personally i went from “guess I’ll die” jokes to “IF I HAVE TO BE HERE FOR 5 MORE MINUTES I PROMISE YOU I WILL BUY JUST, AN ARRAY OF CLOTHES.” and other wild hyperbolic stuff. Just replace the death part with something ridiculous and off topic. Its very entertaining

This also works with calling myself things like stupid, worthless, trash, etc. Even if you do this jokingly to yourself, your brain still believes it, and keeps up the cycle. Seriously, I found that when I stopped saying these things about myself, even jokingly, it made a massive difference.

Here’s a tip I picked up from a friend that’s helped me a lot — replace self deprecating jokes with ironically self aggrandizing jokes

Like every time I trip and fall, instead of saying “l’m just a disaster human” I say “I’m the epitome of grace and beauty”

Or like, when I draw a picture I’m not 100% happy with, instead of saying “my art is trash” I say something like “you know I think it’s time we replaced the Mona Lisa”

When you do that you get to make a joke, but you’re ALSO getting practice building yourself up, y’know?

And eventually it becomes a reflex and you get so used to it that you can say nice stuff about yourself even when you AREN’T joking

scionofthestars:

alexandragrace:

appendingfic:

hearthburn:

fandomsandanythingelse:

prose-and-peonies:

probablybard:

modern greek mythology adaptation where hades and persephone are played by john mulaney and his wife

She’s hades, he’s Persephone

Oh no, no. John Mulaney is 100% Hades.

  • Loves his wife
  • Is actually pretty chill except when it comes to stupid people
  • Can’t stand up for himself when others try to do him wrong

And from what we hear about her, she’s very Persephone.

  • Easy to underestimate
  • Knows her own mind
  • Will cut you

“So, I meet this wonderful lady. Just fantastic, my heart does that thing where it’s skipping beats, and I – all of you think I’m going to talk about how I suavely asked her out, and that is not what happened

“I ride up in my chariot, and the first – this is literally the first thing I say to her is ‘do you want to meet my dog’?

“And this – I – this is a sign that this woman is my soul mate – she looks at her friends hanging around and says, ‘sure, catch you later, guys’.

“I’m going to skip forward here a couple of dates – no, don’t – this is not the story of how my wife met my dog – and her mom – her mom – finds out she’s seeing me. Now I know everyone jokes about how a girl’s dad is this big, hulking – going to hunt you down if you’re dating his daughter and he doesn’t like you. But if you say that, it’s because you’ve never had some girl’s mom glaring up at you from like – her mom’s like two inches taller than her, so this little furious glare from around my chin area, saying her daughter’s not allowed to come see me anymore.

“And this – okay, this is when I knew I was going to marry this girl, she looks at her mom and, cool as anything, says, ‘Too late, mom. I met his dog, ate dinner over here. I’m staying’.”

WAIT…so does that mean….Petunia is Cerberus?

FUCKING YES!!

A tradition

wakor-rising:

sonatagreen:

In peacetime, the ruler grows their hair long. In war, they cut it short.

A ruler with long hair is held in great esteem, for defending the peace.

The traditional declaration of war is for the ruler to send their cut-off hair to the enemy ruler. The statement carries greater weight the longer the hair: to receive long hair says that you have angered one who is slow to anger, that you have incurred a wrath not easily woken.

Violent war-mongering leader frantically and aggressively tries to shave just a LITTLE hair off the top of their head into an envelope.

A faraway king receives a heavy wooden crate filled with a coil of the longest hair he has ever seen.

A despised ruler finds hundreds of pounds of cut-off ponytails at her castle entrance, each one belonging to her own people. 

A young emperor refuses to cut their hair and insists on trying to make peace with invaders. The enemy leader steps forward, draws their blade, and cuts the emperor’s hair themselves.

Hellen cuts her hair off and throws it in Cathy’s face at her son’s soccer scrimmage.